


The diary of Yoo Kihyun.

by lunarkyun



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Crushes, Diary/Journal, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Self-Hatred, Yoo Kihyun-centric, also dorms lol, cameos from other groups, ill update as much as possible fdn, implied suicide attempts later probably, like the dates arent the same as for real, okay maybe alot of angst, possibly some realationships later, pretty short chapters since they are diary entries, the dates do not align sorry if it bothers youu, uehuhe im sorryyyyy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-18 05:04:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14846345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunarkyun/pseuds/lunarkyun
Summary: How do you start these things? Is it like “Hello Diary?” That sounds so lame oh my god. I guess I’ll use it anyways.Hello Diary! This is Yoo Kihyun.In which Kihyun gets a diary for his birthday and begins writing.[Chapter titles written as "month / day - year"]This is probably gonna be a mess but whatevs. Im kinda basing this off of my struggles with mental illness okay enjoy hbsd<3





	1. 11 / 22 - 18

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoyy!
> 
> <3

**11/22-18**

  
_How do you start these things? Is it like “Hello Diary?” That sounds so lame oh my god. I guess I’ll use it anyways._  
 _Hello Diary! This is Yoo KiHyun. Today was my birthday. My dad gave this diary to me. It was a very nice gift. He knows I have some trouble speaking about my feelings so I hope this will help. I guess I should write my secrets in here. For example, even though it might look like I don’t like my friends if you’re just walking by, I really do love them._  
 _Well, I love one of them a little more than the others. Not like I love him more, like I love him in a different way. In a romantic way. I think so at least. His smile makes my heart flutter. I wonder if I’ll ever tell him. I hope I do. He deserves to know. I don’t think I deserve to love him though. I mean, he’s such an amazing person and I’m just me. I’m just basic old me._  
 _Do I even deserve to have my friends? I often feel like I don’t. I know that’s just my negative inner voices saying it and that I shouldn’t believe it but they are just so present. Those fucking voices. Telling me I’m worthless, that I don’t deserve to live, that I’m ugly and fat and that everything would be easier if I just ended it._  
 _I’m sitting in my dorm. My roommate is asleep. Already. It’s literally 08:00 PM. How the hell could he be asleep already. It’s so fucking weird. Hongbin is weird. He’s also kind of one of those that act like they don’t like their friends. He got me socks for my birthday. Literally the most basic “We are not really close but I have to get you a gift” gift. At least they are nice socks._  
 _From my friends I got some cooking supplies, some money and a bouquet of yellow roses and red and white chrysanthemums. I looked up what they mean and it’s really sweet. The roses mean friendship and the chrysanthemums mean “I love” and truth. It made me really happy. They really mean alot to me. All of them.I owe them so fucking much. I feel like I wouldn’t be alive without them._  
 _I know I should go to a therapist to talk about my feelings, but I’m scared. What if I do have a mental illness? That would be terrifying. What would I tell my friends? I know I could go to the school counselor but she seems like she can’t help. I don’t know what I should do. I know I can’t use just this to talk about my feelings. It’s only a temporary solution. I feel so weak when I can’t even talk about my feelings._  
 _Same thing when I try to harm myself. I can’t do it, even if I keep trying. It just makes me feel weaker and weaker every time I try and fail._  
 _I wonder if I’ll ever show my diary to someone. I mean I would trust my friends with my life, but if they read this they’ll know that I like one of them and the shit I keep trying to do to myself. I keep wearing long-sleeved shirts because draw on my arms. I saw somewhere on the internet that you should do that instead of cutting yourself. My arms, legs and stomach are covered in ink._  
 _Maybe that means something is wrong, if my urge to cut is that strong. Maybe I should go to the counselor after all._  
 _I think I need to go shopping soon. My mom told me that I should get some form of healing crystal or something. I think she dealt with mental health issues when she was younger too. Maybe she has noticed how I’ve been acting differently. I think I’ll buy one. I need more clothes too. My mom got me a photobook as a gift. It was filled with photos from my childhood. I loved it. I guess I’ll finish this off here. I’ll write tomorrow._  
_  
_ **_Yoo Kihyun -_ ** **_유기현_ **


	2. 11 / 23 - 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello Diary! This is Yoo Kihyun. It’s friday today. The last day of the school week. Christmas break also starts in about a month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

**11/23-18**

 

__Hello Diary! This is Yoo Kihyun. It’s friday today. The last day of the school week. Christmas break also starts in about a month. I’m going home to stay with my parents during the break. I’ll miss my friends a lot. They probably won’t miss me. I mean, who would.  
I think I’ll go to the school counselor next week. I’m going shopping with Changkyun tomorrow. I hope it will go okay. I’ll buy one of those healing crystals then I think. It’s probably not gonna work but I would like some new jewelry anyways. I saw on the internet that you should hold the crystal for a while and if you get any special feelings, it will work. So I will do that tomorrow.   
I need some more jeans and shirts as well. Maybe we’ll go to some café too? I’m not sure. We both have homework so we can’t say out too long.    
I always feel so overwhelmed by school. The tests and homeworks always give me so much anxiety and I feel like dying every time the teachers say we are having a test. Nothing special really happened in school today.   
Except that Jooheon dropped his food in the cafeteria. That was fucking hilarious.   
I actually felt pure happiness for a few seconds today. It was while listening to music. I think it really helps me. Like, it distracts me from all the shit going on. I’ll finish this off here. 

 

**_Yoo Kihyun -_ ** **_유기현_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I hope to update most of my stories tomorrow, as I have a free day from school.
> 
> If you enjoyed please leave a kudos and a comment.
> 
> <3
> 
> KKT : kat8308  
> INSTAGRAM : katjaa_sv  
> KIK : KawaiiPixuls
> 
> Other:  
> SPOTIFY : kawaiipixuls  
> TWT : katjaa_sv


	3. 11 / 24 - 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello Diary! This is Yoo Kihyun. Today I went out shopping with Changkyunnie. It was pretty nice.

**11/24-18**

_Hello Diary! This is Yoo Kihyun. Today I went out shopping with Changkyunnie. It was pretty nice. I got one dress shirt that was like navy-ish and one gray knitted sweater. I also got two pair of black jeans, one ripped and one not._   
_I also got a crystal. It’s hanging around my neck right now. It’s jade. I called my mom and told her about it. She seemed happy. I hope that she’s happy right now. She probably isn’t. I think she has a hard time being happy right now._   
_Changkyun and I went to a café. I don’t think it was like a date. I mean. Why would he want to date me? I’m horrifyingly ugly and I have some obvious mental issues. Why would anyone want to date someone like me? I do really like him though._   
_I did my homework. Me and Hongbin watched a movie. It was pretty nice. I went grocery shopping. I bought some instant ramen, soda, vegetables and some other stuff. I also bought razor blades. I showered after we watched the movie. I did one cut on my shin. It didn’t really hurt. I’m not sure why. I’ll write some more tomorrow._

_**  
Yoo Kihyun - ** **유기현**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> If you enjoyed please leave a kudos and a comment.
> 
> <3
> 
> KKT : kat8308  
> INSTAGRAM : katjaa_sv  
> KIK : KawaiiPixuls
> 
> Other:  
> SPOTIFY : kawaiipixuls  
> TWT : katjaa_sv


	4. 11 / 25 - 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello Diary. This is Yoo Kihyun. It’s sunday today. I didn’t do anything specific.

**11/25-18**

_ Hello Diary. This is Yoo Kihyun. It’s sunday today. I didn’t do anything specific. I looked up some music classes online. I think I want to start singing. I’m probably worthless at it though. I’ll go to the school counselor tomorrow. I spoke with Jooheon on the phone today. I think he has noticed that I haven’t been myself lately. He said stuff like “Are you okay?” and “Remember I’m always here for you Ki.” I feel like he’s lying. Why would anyone ever care about me? I’ll write tomorrow. _

**_Yoo Kihyun -_ ** **_유기현_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Please leave a comment and a kudos if you enjoyed!
> 
> KKT : kat8308  
> INSTAGRAM : katjaa_sv  
> KIK : KawaiiPixuls  
> TUMBLR : katja8308
> 
> Other:  
> SPOTIFY : kawaiipixuls  
> TWT : katjaa_sv
> 
> <3


	5. 11 / 26 - 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello Diary! It’s Yoo Kihyun. Today it’s monday. I went to school.

**11/26-18**

__ Hello Diary! It’s Yoo Kihyun. Today it’s monday. I went to school. I also went to the school counselor. She was pretty nice. I think it went well. I have another appointment with her next Tuesday.   
Hyungwon bought me lunch today. He was actually pretty nice to me. I think all of my friends have noticed how shitty I’ve been feeling lately. At least they don’t judge me for it.   
I want to talk to them about it. I want to confess my feelings. All of them. I’ll write more tomorrow.

**_Yoo Kihyun -_ ** **_유기현_ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Please leave a comment and a kudos if you enjoyed!
> 
> KKT : kat8308  
> INSTAGRAM : katjaa_sv  
> KIK : KawaiiPixuls  
> TUMBLR : katja8308
> 
> Other:  
> SPOTIFY : kawaiipixuls  
> TWT : katjaa_sv
> 
> <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> As I said in the tags, the updates will be irregular. 
> 
> If you enjoyed please leave a kudos and a comment.
> 
> <3
> 
> KKT : kat8308  
> INSTAGRAM : katjaa_sv  
> KIK : KawaiiPixuls
> 
> Other:  
> SPOTIFY : kawaiipixuls  
> TWT : katjaa_sv


End file.
